Happy Monday everyone! I can’t believe I have been consistently blogging everyday for the past 19 days. I am so glad that I took this challenge this month. It’s got me looking ahead to the future months and possible topics that I will explore. I won’t promise that I will blog everyday in the months to come, but I will blog regularly…at least weekly.
This past weekend was a bit difficult for me emotionally because of the warm weather…unexpected for Chicago at this time of year. I realized that as crazy as it sounds, this is a trigger for me. I love this weather, but when I’m out and about, especially if I’m by myself, I have a tendency to “people watch.” People watching is not harmful in itself, but when I begin that comparison thing that I talked about a few posts ago, it kills my joy. My only focus are the couples holding hands, the young people having fun, people dressed up for nights on the town. And there’s me, alone at the Corner Bakery working on school work on a Saturday afternoon.
There is some shame in feeling this way, given all that I have to be grateful for, but they are feelings I have to work through in order to get to the other side. With that being said, in order to get through those feelings, I began to list some things I am grateful for. And they aren’t just the basic things like life, air, and water. They are little things, some are actions by others, some are new attitudes and behaviors that are taking me ahead on my journey. I will share a few with you here:
- I am grateful for authenticity.
- I am grateful for stories, writing, and being able to tell a story.
- I am grateful for the loneliness and emotional pain I feel, because it keeps me closely connected with my Higher Power.
- I am grateful for my tears, because each tear cleanses my shame.
- I am grateful when my mom said to me, “you were just laughing yesterday, why are you sad today? Who did something to you?!” Because I know she cares.
- I am grateful for my enormous capability for compassion, my ability to creatively communicate, and my never ending desire to seek knowledge.
- I am grateful when those around me can see the positive in situations where I only see the negative.
- I am grateful to have a therapist who recently told me it was her job to take care of me.
- I am grateful for my dissertation mentor who said to me recently, “I am not going anywhere, I have a lot invested in you. I’m your mentor for as long as you’ll have me.” How did he know I have abandonment issues? Ha ha.
- I am grateful for friends that assure me that you’re not going anywhere. I wonder how you guys know I have abandonment issues? Ha ha.
For the past couple of weeks, I have explored the various ways that people places, and things can abandon us. Of course this is not an exhaustive list. To recap, I talked about:
- Parental abandonment
- Spiritual abandonment
- Professional abandonment
- Abandoned by love
- Abandoned by a pet
- Societal abandonment
These are only a few of the ways I have felt abandoned in my own personal journey…or ways that others have told me they have felt abandoned. I hope the personal stories I have shared have inspired you or you have been able to connect with my stories on some personal level. Telling these stories has freed me from a lot of emotional junk I tend to carry around. The junk is still there, the load is just a lot lighter. Getting it out on paper, or in this case, on the screen, helps me to let it go.
This week, my plan is to go a bit deeper and talk about some of the consequences of abandonment that stem from fear. What manifests in our lives when we are afraid of being abandoned? How do we act and react in our relationships, work, etc.? Are we afraid to try something new? Do we throw risk out the window to stay comfy and safe?
Of course that’s the plan for now. My brain may take me in a different direction. So the best thing to do is stay tuned! Thanks so much for your support.