My heart is filled with so much anxiety lately. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep. There are so many things on my mind, so many things I have to do, so many things that are left undone. Whenever I would close my eyes to get to sleep, my mind would spin over everything again and again, and there I would be, wide awake…again.
It’s 4am, I have to get to sleep, I have to go to work in the morning.
Pressuring myself to sleep makes things worse. I begin to think about something that triggers my emotions and I begin to cry. And I know why I’m crying, because I am afraid. Afraid of so many things, so many things not happening, afraid of letting people down, afraid that I am unlovable. I try to pray and practice gratitude for the Love that surrounds me, the Love that is readily available at all times, but anxiety tells me no, that’s not enough, it will never be enough.
Anxiety is a damn liar.
Yes, the desires of my heart are still there. The feelings about the desires that have not yet manifested were coming to the surface. These “feelings” have a sneaky way of coming out…it happens whenever I feel overwhelmed, or if I am feeling a bit of joy in the midst of my challenges. It’s funny how these feelings come out in challenges AND in happy moments. They serve as a reminder that there are still unfulfilled dreams in my heart, still this longing to be loved, and a fear that the longing will never go away.
But the desires of your heart never have to go away…
There were obvious feelings that needed to be felt last night, so instead of continually fighting myself and forcing myself to sleep, I allowed my body to relax in these feelings. This was a first for me. There was no judgment, I just felt what was happening, and let it be.
But I still couldn’t sleep.
Then, a spiritual awakening. Through my tears, I glance over at my Samson kitty at the foot of my bed, sleeping, snoring (loudly), and curled up in a cute little ball. And I think to myself…
I need to be more like a cat.
Samson makes one big assumption before he goes to sleep. The assumption is that he will be taken care of.
When he wakes up, there will be Fancy Feast in his dish, water in his bowl, toys to play with, birds to yell at, a litter box to do his business in, and a mama to cuddle with. He boldly makes this assumption. He has no worries, he just knows that everything will be alright. And if it’s not, he will figure out a solution once he gets to the challenge.
And with that thought, I turn over, close my eyes and go to sleep.
Ev’rybody wants to be a cat!
I always talk about how my exploration of the human-animal bond will help others. Actually, it turns out that it helps me the most.
I want to be more like my Samson kitty. We can all learn something from the animals.