Tag Archive | self esteem

Jesus Loves Me…Oh Yes He Does

Mar26

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“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

This is Holy Week. For many Christians, it is a time of reflection and solemness about the amazing sacrifice that Jesus paid for our sins. I will make it personal, since I know all of my readers are not Christian…I am reflective this week about the amazing sacrifice that Jesus paid for my sins. I respect other religions, but I know in my own life, that because I am not perfect, filled with shame and guilt about so many things, I just need a Savior. That’s just me. I didn’t know that I could have a real relationship with Jesus, or that He even wanted to have a real relationship with me until about two years ago. I didn’t even know what that meant, and it’s still very hard to explain. But the more I get to know who Jesus was, specifically through His word (The Bible), the more I love Him…and I not only Love Him, I just simply like the guy. I really wish more people knew the real person of Jesus…or at least would be willing to try.

I spend a lot of time with many people in 12 step groups who have been religiously abused, confused about their Higher Power, or have been let down by Christianity and religion for one reason or another. It saddens me because many of these people may never open their hearts to Jesus. Many people have this judgmental, overbearing view of God and they want to be free of that. Any mention of Jesus or God is a joke for them. They want to know where in the world was this Jesus when they were going through their challenges? This is understandable. The God they know demands perfection and imposes severe punishment for being bad. But the Truth is that the heart of Jesus is compassionate, loving and pure. Sure, we all strive to do the best that we can, and make good decisions, but we all miss the mark. There are consequences for our actions, but not necessarily punishments. I have learned that God loves me no matter who I am or what I was, or who I will become. Perhaps it’s explained better by Henry Halley:

“Walking with God does not mean that we are without sin. We have sinned in the past, and we still have sin in our nature. It is not by virtue of our sinlessness that we have fellowship, a relationship, with God, but because of Christ’s death for our sin.”

I had this discussion with some fellow 12 steppers last summer at a 12 step conference I attended. Many of my fellow travelers believe in a Higher Power, but confessed their disgust with religion…specifically Christianity. Their personal journeys have put them in contact with Christians that have judged them and condemned them without mercy. I literally “laughed out loud” when one of my fellow travelers told me,

This one Christian was coming down on me so hard for some stuff I did that I finally told the person, “Look, don’t you know that Jesus hung out with hookers??!!”

Of course this person was referring to Jesus’ friendship with Mary Magdalene. Perhaps I wouldn’t have used that choice of words, but I could totally understand what my fellow traveler was saying. The real person of Jesus was compassionate and loving to those who society did not deem worthy of compassion and love.

And that’s just the kind of Christian I want to be.

Source

Halley, Henry H. (2008-09-09). Halley’s Bible Handbook with the New International Version (Kindle Locations 13839-13840). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

By the way, I almost titled this post, “Jesus Hung Out With Hookers,” but I’m too much of a wimp! <3

Self Compassion Gets the TKO – Revisiting Gazoo

Feb26
Photo by Generationbass.com

Photo by Generationbass.com

“Where is that written contract you signed before birth promising that you’d be perfect, that you’d never fail, and that your life would go absolutely the way you want it to?” -Kristin Neff

Some people call it the devil, negativity, a Gremlin, or the little guy with the pitchfork. I’ve even heard someone refer to it as Norman, Gollum, or the negative committee that meets in your head. I’ve referred to it as Gazoo in my essay The Shrink Who Killed Gazoo. What am I talking about? It’s that part of ourselves that we all have (if you say you don’t have it, I’m sorry, you’re lying) that blocks our self compassion. It’s that part of ourselves that knows every bad thing we’ve ever done; knows every place where we have fallen short, knows every imperfection, and doesn’t hesitate to bring those things to our attention…usually at the most inopportune times. It’s that part of ourselves that tells us we can’t when we try to believe that we can. It’s that part of ourselves that tells us told you so when we fall or fail. And it’s that part of ourselves that tells us that we are not deserving of compassion…and especially not self compassion, when we are at our worst and especially when we are the only ones to blame for our situation.

It’s sneaky too. It knows how and when to attack us and the points of attack as well. Sometimes it uses others to do its dirty work. But most of the time, it’s an inner critical voice that we’ve probably had with us since we were little. It’s not going anywhere. It’s not leaving us without a fight. It has been around too long. And even when we think it’s gone, it resurrects itself, creeps back up and devises a new strategy of attack.

Some people can ignore it. Some people speak positive words to crumble it. But I think mine is so sneaky and manipulative, the only thing I can do is pay attention, listen, acknowledge, and then tell it to its face that its a liar.

I know the truth.

Do you ever get an uneasy feeling in your spirit? As if you are not in line with the Universe…not in balance? I’ve come to realize that it is usually during these times when I need to step up the self compassion. This is because the imbalance is caused by the judgmental, shameful, guilt-filled messages that Gazoo (or whatever you want to call it) is giving me. It is important to recognize what is going on within your mind, body, and spirit during these times. In my experience, this is the only way to stop the negativity in its tracks and knock it out with compassion.

The great thing about self-compassion is that we don’t have to wait for anyone or anything external to give it to us. Besides, sometimes Gazoo acts so quickly, I don’t have time to call anyone for help!

If I am able to recognize when Gazoo is rearing his silly little head, then I can quickly (sometimes quickly) battle it out. The interesting thing is that in the past that negativity, Gazoo, or whatever you want to call it would always win out because there was nothing within me to counter it. Now, there is beauty, love, understanding, friendship, truth, and self compassion.

Gazoo doesn’t stand a chance against the depth of compassion I have for myself.

Step Outside of Yourself to Give Yourself Compassion

Feb17

1257262_gulls_in_flightIf we can’t forgive someone else or ourselves, compassion is the next best thing. -Melody Beattie

A few days before last New Year’s Eve, I was trying to update an app on my iPhone, but my phone was running low on memory. I took a look at the apps I still had on my phone that I wasn’t using, when I came across an app I hadn’t used in awhile. I’ve even mentioned this app on my blog before. It’s called Thought Diary. The app is designed to help with reframing negative or ineffectual thoughts and behaviors. When an unfavorable thought comes up, you record the situation, what you’re thinking about the situation, and the percentage you believe it. Then you record the “thinking error,” (i.e. black and white thinking), come up with a new thought to replace the old thought and record the percentage you believe the new thought. So for example, at that time, I could have been thinking that I was a loser for not having a date for New Year’s Eve (which was kind of true at the time). I would record the situation – no date for New Year’s Eve; the feeling – I’m a loser; how much I believe it – 80%; the thinking error – black and white thinking; the new thought – Even though I don’t have a date for New Year’s Eve, I get to spend it at home with someone I love, my mom…and the cat, and I’m grateful for that; how much I believe the new thought – 90%.

What I really loved about this app was how it brought those stinky feelings to the surface and really forced me to transform my thinking. I also loved how the app requires you to come up with a new thought, but then rate how much you believe it. So you still come up with a new thought, but if you’re not completely feeling the new thought, you can say so…it respects how you feel in the moment.

So what in the world does this have to do with self compassion, you may wonder. Well, I used this app a lot when my last relationship ended back at the end of 2011. Many of the thoughts and feelings about that situation were still stored within this app. When I was deciding whether or not to keep this app on my phone, I found myself going through them. Here are a few excerpts from entries over a two week period during that time:

Still haven’t heard from him. Trying to move on.

I feel myself shutting down. Isolation sounds really good right now.

Can’t stop crying.

Going through love withdrawal. Sad about it. Want to stay home from work today and sleep.

Brokenhearted.

Don’t want to get out of bed and face the day. 

Struggling with concentration, battling the anger I feel about him.

And there is much more that I won’t share here. My heart ached for myself as I read these words. I was really, truly hurt back then. But even though I was obviously hurting, I’m pretty sure I gave myself no compassion. In fact, I can recall being pretty judgmental and harsh, calling myself pathetic, ridiculous, desperate, and thinking that I really needed to get over this guy…quick.

As I remembered the likeliness of how harsh I had been to myself back then, I thought,

If I would have known then what I know now…I would have given myself more compassion.

If these words had been written by someone other than me, I would have given that person compassion and loving words. Sometimes you have to step outside of yourself to give yourself compassion.

If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation. -Kristin Neff

Now perhaps someone somewhere thinks that those entries from my diary are pathetic and that I needed to get over it. But one thing I have learned is that we need to be our own best advocate for our own emotional well being. As I read those pain-filled words, I wanted to reach back and hug myself, and tell myself that although I hurt right now, that I wouldn’t hurt forever. I wanted to remind myself of my beautiful qualities and that I would someday find a special guy who appreciates those qualities.

But the truth is that I cannot get those moments back. However, I can make a living amends to myself:

From this point on, I will give myself compassion when I am in pain by first trusting that I am in pain and then believing that I am worthy of compassion through any kind of pain. And when I find it difficult to do this, I can step outside of myself and give myself compassion as I am giving it to a beautiful, deserving friend.

Be Kind to Yourself…Yeah, I’m Talkin’ To You!

Feb9

We don’t have to earn the right to compassion; it is our birthright. -Kristin Neff1379619_sparrow

I haven’t been in the best of moods lately. I’m facing so many difficult feelings and emotions that I have long denied. And I’m just sitting with these emotions. No where to run or hide. The problem is that I’m having a hard time reframing and replacing my negative emotions with positive emotions. I began the year (as so many others do) with such hope and practical ideas to carry out my goals for the year. But now it appears that I have run out of steam. Inadequate. I feel like such a loser. I’m internalizing every negative thing and in the process, I am feeling unloved and afraid. 

Now with all that being said, I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel strong, healthy and secure in myself. I know the truth about myself. I know that I am wonderful beautiful, and loved. I just don’t feel that way right now and I can understand why. These past 3 years have been difficult for me for many reasons, filled with loss, disappointment, and frustration. And although there have been plenty of times I have wanted to just give up, I have kept going.

***

What you have just witnessed is an internal/external dialogue that started out with me being down on myself and ended with me being kind to myself. This is what is called, self-compassion. I think that learning how to have compassion for ourselves is an essential part of giving compassion to others. This is not a foreign concept. Everyone knows that we must love ourselves before we can really show love to others. But loving ourselves is one thing. Being kind and compassionate to ourselves is a unique component within the idea of self love.

“We have to find compassion and embrace the darkness inside of us in order to understand it, and ultimately to transcend it.” -Debbie Ford (from The Shadow Effect)

Last month, I took a look at the concept of compassion and showing compassion to others. This month, I will explore the concept of self-compassion and what it actually means to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. It takes a little bit more than taking yourself out for a spa day…although this helps!

I hope that you enjoy my insights this month. :)

It Was a Healing, Imperfect, and Surrendering Year

Dec29

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Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I look forward to the new year, I am usually reflective on a theme for the year. For the year 2011, my theme was courage.  I took many brave chances in that year including writing several essays and submitting them for publication; playing my flute alongside many professionals in a symphony; and facing many of my emotional demons. That year, I even took a chance on falling in love.

As I reflect on 2012, I couldn’t come up with just one theme. And I guess the fact that I couldn’t come up with one theme, is kind of a theme in itself. I bet you are pretty confused right now, so I will just get to the point. :) Although I believe that I was very courageous this year as well, I didn’t see that as an overarching theme. This year I believe there were 3 themes that were prevalent in my journey: healing, imperfection, and surrender.

Healing. The recovery of my emotional self, my inner child, and my outer adult continued, but I stepped it up in a more intimate way. After taking the chance on love and it not working out toward the end of 2011, I was deeply hurt and filled with feelings of inadequacy. But I did something a little different. I reached out to people and was vulnerable with those I could trust. I allowed myself to receive love, albeit not the romantic kind, but I realized that love is just love, and I let it heal my heart. I was truthful about many things that I went through this year, some things were shared on my blog, some were shared with my best friend, recovery friends, and other friends, some with my therapist, but many things were shared in my quiet time with God. The point is that my own healing involved me being truthful about many painful things and feeling feelings that I did not want to feel. This is still a struggle, but I have made a lot of progress, and this has been an essential part of my emotional healing this year.

Imperfection. Simply put, I realized that other people that act like they have it all together…really do not. This year, I became consciously aware of when I’m comparing myself to others and how and when I beat myself up for not being “perfect.” This awareness has led me to utilize practical strategies to reframe my reactions to imperfection.

Surrender. I’ve been learning the difference between surrender and giving up. I have had a lot of crappy things happen this year, and have wanted to check out. That’s giving up. But what I’ve noticed is that when the crappy things happen and I surrender to the experience, I’m less tempted to check out on life. This has not been easy, but I’m learning. Now, I’m not talking about sitting around and affirming positivity in all crappy situations. That doesn’t always work for me. Surrendering to the experience means surrendering to the frustration, discouragement, hurt and pain that sometimes results from our experiences. What I’m talking about is actively praying to my Higher Power about whatever I am going through and finding some comfort in my relationship with that Spiritual Source. It’s about reflecting on what God is trying to teach me in the moment. It’s about understanding how much clarity I have now compared to 5 years ago and being grateful for how far I have come. It’s about truly finding out who I AM and loving all of it.

It’s about saying to myself, I am wonderful, beautiful, and loved, and actually being able to believe the words.

So that’s it. My 3 themes for 2012. I hope my reflections will inspire you to reflect on your own themes. I know I am so tempted to reflect on what went wrong this year, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to only reflect on the challenges without the victories.

It will be interesting to see how many themes I come up with at the end of 2013! But for now, I will continue to try and take each day, one at a time as this spiritual journey called life continues.

Wonderful, Beautiful, and Loved

Oct29

“…I am a wonderful person. I am a beautiful person. I love myself just as I am.” -Deepak Chopra from The Secret of Love: Meditations for Attracting and Being in Love

Conceptually, I understand the principal behind positive thinking, positive affirmations, or “re-framing” the negative thoughts or labels I make about myself. I understand this. It makes sense.

Putting it into practice is a different story.

Last weekend I attended a local 12 Step Conference where the topic was “healthy communication.” I’m thinking, this is cool. This will give me tools on how to communicate healthier with my mom, my friends, colleagues, and even people I don’t like. Maybe I will learn how to communicate with my future special guy. Hell, maybe this conference will even give me tools on better communication with the cat. But in the expectations of the things I would learn about communicating with others, there was one very important person I left out of the equation.

MYSELF.

Healthy communication with myself has to be a priority. Now I’m not talking about sitting around talking to myself (which is not necessarily a bad thing), but I admit to calling myself names, I admit to being hard on myself, I admit to being negative to myself more often than I give myself praise and admiration.

This is something that needs work in my life. But specifically what I learned this weekend is that negative self-talk is a nasty cyclical process. I realized that the reason I usually speak negative words into my own life is because they are a defense mechanism. I’m going to call myself something negative before you get the chance to. If I do it, this will lessen the blow because I believe you believe that about me anyway. For example, if I believe I’ve done something stupid, I’m more prone to say I am so stupid before you get a chance to say to me, that was so stupid. This hurts less, right?

Wrong. Because as soon as I put that negative word or concept about myself out into the Universe, the more likely people are going to treat me that way. Then, I’m going to get mad at you for treating me that way even though I just claimed the negativity. And then the process starts itself all over again.

I love the awareness I have about this now. I’ve never been one to speak empty affirmations or lie to myself about the way I feel. Especially now that I know that feeling feelings are okay. But now that I see the practical effects of speaking positive thoughts into my life, I’m going to try and be more conscious of what comes out of my mouth…specifically about myself.

My challenge comes with quickly re-framing the thoughts. Yesterday, something negative came out of my mouth before I could even catch it. Luckily, I have friends that quickly correct me if I don’t do it first. The negative thoughts about myself are going to come up, but I have to learn how to catch the thoughts and transform them into TRUTH.

And here is a bonus. What is that TRUTH? It’s the way God sees me: wonderful, beautiful, and loved.

Sort of a Book Review/More Personal Experience: Perfect Daughters

Sep24

I came across this book called, Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics about a year and a half ago…towards the beginning of my recovery. It’s a book that has been around for awhile and is written by Dr. Robert J. Ackerman. I thought the subject as well as the title was fascinating. The author explores the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA) phenomenon from the female perspective…or the perspective of being an adult daughter. In my own experience, one of the aspects of being an “adult daughter” is this need to be perfect while simultaneously feeling inadequate. So the book’s title and subject matter was very appropriate for me in my life.

Although the book was obviously appropriate for my journey, I chose to purchase it and bury it deep down on my Kindle reading list. I wasn’t ready for it in the beginning of my 12 step recovery. I had a feeling that the level of connection that I would feel with the author’s research and conclusions would be too much for me to handle in the beginning of my recovery.

I would later find out that I was right…

I recently dusted off the electronic spider webs on the book, thinking that I was much stronger in my own emotional healing and recovery, and thinking that I could handle the book now. I figured I could handle the possible emotional unraveling from the possible spiritual breakthroughs I would have while reading this book now. So I began reading the book a couple of months ago.

It turns out that I could handle it, I just wasn’t expecting the level of emotional baggage I still had to work through. Some parts of this book had me in tears. Other parts brought up deeper discussions in my therapist’s office.

I wasn’t prepared for anything new. I mean, I know that I am an adult daughter. There are certain character traits that I have because of that experience. I mean, an adult child is an adult child. How different could the experience be from the perspective of being an adult daughter? I have exhausted all of the perspectives of that experience…right?

Wrong.

“No experience is ever finished or exhausted. New and fresh meanings are forever in the world and in us.” -Clark Moustakas (1995)

The book, Perfect Daughters is more than an “understanding of the reasons why I am the way I am” kind of book. This book goes beyond that in explaining the reasons why, showing us (adult daughters) the positive sides of our adult daughter characteristics, and giving us hope for the integration of those traits in recovery.

With that being said, there are several “gems” that I found in this book (from my own perspective):

  • The fact that this book is written by a male author. For me, the fact that my father was the alcoholic and I received most of the affection growing up from my mom, knowing that many of the loving and affectionate messages in this book were written by a man was very soothing and healing for me. For example, in the chapter on relationships, Ackerman writes, “Your quest for a healthy relationship and being in a positive relationship must always come in addition to your health and not be a substitute for it…Take care of yourself and have a positive relationship with yourself. You deserve it.” ’You deserve it.’ There is something emotionally healing for me in knowing this statement…saying that I am deserving…was written by a man.
  • The concept of Longing. Ackerman opened up my eyes to this concept of “Longing” from the adult daughter-alcoholic father perspective. He writes, “…alcoholic fathers usually created ‘longing’ in their daughters. Longing is a plea to be accepted and loved. Longing is a hunger, an emotional need that is not met. Above all though, longing is not love.” This concept resonated with me so profoundly. For me, “longing” is a familiar feeling. Until I read this, I’m not sure if I realized there was any other way…especially in relationships. I think I equated the longing with love, all the while thinking that the “longing” was really all there is.

Other positives of this book are:

  • The chapter on relationships.
  • The separation of the adult daughter phenomenon between adult daughters-alcoholic fathers and adult daughters-alcoholic mothers.
  • The integration of the seemingly negative traits (or weaknesses) of being an adult child into strengths or positive traits.
  • Ackerman’s use of the “mixed methods” approach to research gives a more holistic view of the phenomenon.

Overall, I would highly recommend this book if you are a woman and identify with the adult child experience. You can find this book on Amazon.com.

Ackerman also wrote a book called Silent Sons: A Book for and about Men that tackles similar subject matters from a male perspective.

Normal Standards of Belonging

Sep16

“If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.” -Brene Brown from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Suppose to Be and Embrace Who You Are

So in my previous post, I stated that “each person has their own normal.” This is a good argument; however, I also believe that feeling normal depends on my own personal definition of normal in the first place. One of the definitions from dictionary.com states that “normal” is:

serving to establish a standard.

The key word here is “standard.” What are my standards for normality?

That’s actually a great question. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting at a cafe in downtown Chicago watching people go by. I wonder if I stopped each of these people, and asked them, how do you define normal? how would they respond…I wonder how many different “normals” I would find.

The truth is that our culture dictates certain basic standards for normality. To the extreme, we may look at a person walking down the street talking to himself as “not normal.” But the reality is that without hearing that person’s story, how can we really make that assumption? That person could be someone struggling with schizophrenia. The fact that the person is calmly talking to themselves instead of violently yelling at themselves could be their “normal.”

In a less extreme case, what about the person who deeply grieves because of the loss of their companion animal? People’s perceptions about pet loss have changed; however, there was a time when a person going through complicated grief over the loss of a pet was viewed as “not normal.”

I think the standards we set for ourselves are a sum of our experiences, how we were raised, our own culture and society, and a lot of popular culture and media. There is nothing wrong with this in a sense because who we are is born out of a lot of that stuff. But the challenge comes when we don’t always buy into all that stuff. When we stand out or go against the grain, or don’t conform to what’s “normal,” and we begin to let it define our lives as odd, strange, or weird. Well, I guess some people thrive on those labels, so I will say that it becomes a problem when we have to defend who we are. It’s a problem when we feel like we don’t have any place we belong.

Where should I look to find my normal? I should probably look within myself. But this first requires an understanding that who I am is okay and that I Belong, simply because I am Here. When you don’t have this understanding, it makes it easier to get sucked up into the untruth that our normal is wrapped up in everything external. And this is not normal at all.

Are your standards for being normal reachable/achievable?

Research, Loss, & the Normal Experience

Sep12

I could probably list hundreds of reasons and bizarre experiences that could “prove” to you why I perceive myself and my life as not being “normal.” As a matter of fact, just describing my experiences by using the word “bizarre” proves how I sometimes feel about my life.

As I reflect, the “not-normal” feeling I have is not just because of the experiences I had growing up, although I do believe they set the foundation for my thinking. It would be great to only view my “non-normalness” through the lens of my experiences with alcoholism and codependency, but there were many other experiences that factored into this as well. These experiences were integrated into the existing dysfunction (whether it be my own or my parents’) and reinforced my feelings of negative uniqueness.

***

A couple of months ago, I led a grief workshop where I told a part of my own personal “grief story.” I talked about 5 major events that I defined as losses, or areas where I had grieved. These 5 major losses were:

  1. My dad’s alcoholism (growing up in an alcoholic home)
  2. My grandmother’s battle and death from Alzheimer’s disease
  3. My sister’s murder (unsolved)
  4. My father’s death
  5. My most recent loss of job, house, car, etc., and moving back in with my mom in my mid-30s

The reason why I list these losses are because I realized a connection between these life events and my feelings of not being normal. I mean, who really goes through all of this stuff?

I know, I know, everyone has their fair share of issues. Maybe not these, but everyone has stuff they go through.

Or do they???

I’ve been to enough 12-step meetings to know that there are other adult children of alcoholics. I have attended enough Alzheimer’s support groups and fundraisers and led many Alzheimer’s advocacy initiatives, so I know there are plenty of people dealing with that. Plenty of people loose their dad’s without settling “unfinished business.” And in this economy, many people have lost it all and have had to move in with family members. Murder is a little different. I haven’t met too many people that have had a family member murdered, but they are out there.

Being able to “normalize” these experiences should make me feel “normal.” However, is the fact that other people have had these experiences enough to generalize the experience for everyone?

As a researcher, I have to believe that some experiences can be generalized…well that’s on the “quantitative” side. The truth is that I am mostly a qualitative researcher. The simple explanation of the difference between quantitative and qualitative research is that quantitative creates knowledge by generalizing with numbers/statistics, while qualitative research focuses on stories, experiences, and the written word. I think of these types of research as states of mind. I consider myself a qualitative researcher because I believe that while you can point out the similarities in experiences, or even come up with common themes, experiences cannot always be generalized and therefore experiences cannot be normalized. Each person may respond differently to similar experiences.

Each person has their own special story to tell.

Each person has their own “normal.”

Normal, Unique, & Crazy

Sep3

Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater or lesser extent. -Sigmund Freud

If you want to know a way to make me really upset, simply respond to any challenge or problem that I’m having with one of these phrases (or something like it):

But everybody has that problem.

or

We all have that issue.

or

Everyone thinks that way.

Although this response usually comes from well-meaning friends and family, it triggers something within me. What I realized is that it triggers a “normalcy” wound. I will explain more about my “normalcy wound” in a bit.

When I first started my recovery from codependency and my recovery from being an adult child of an alcoholic, I read a book called The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics At Home, At Work, and In Love by Janet Woititz. The book is a research-based compilation of literature about the ACA phenomenon, and literally talks about the “source” of dysfunction for children of alcoholics and applies the understanding of that dysfunction to our adult lives today. For me, reading this book gave me a sense of “normalcy,” in understanding the possible foundation for the way I am today, instead of just labeling myself as “crazy.” As a result of her research, Dr. Woititz describes several characteristics of adult children of alcoholics that are most likely “carryovers” from childhood. The first characteristic struck me like a bolt of lightening:

“Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is.”

Growing up, I had no idea of what “normal” was. And to some point, I struggle with knowing what it is now. This is why responding to me in a way that “normalizes” my challenge or issue means nothing to me. It triggers my “normalcy wound.” In some cases, it feels a bit dismissive and minimizes my pain.

Of course, for the most part, the intentions of people that respond to me this way are not hurtful. They are just trying to make me feel better in my pain. The assumption is that if you know you are not alone in your pain, things will be better. Or if you know that someone else has it worse than you, then you won’t feel so bad. And knowing this should make me feel better, right? But the truth is that I have compassion and empathy for other people’s pain, and for other people’s stories, but in the end, being aware of another person’s pain, does nothing to soothe my own pain. My pain is still there. And until I deal with it, it will be there.

But on some level, I may need this type of “trigger” in order to deal with what is going on in my mind and to feel my feelings about normalcy. But what exactly are those feelings?

I believe that we are all unique and all have “unique” paths on this earth. We are all special. If we are breathing, I believe that is proof of our Higher Power’s Love for us and that we have a purpose here. I didn’t always believe that. There have been times in my life where I thought I was an accident. The problem with the word “unique,” is that it can also have a negative connotation. It can mean separate, peculiar, different…alone. This negative connotation of the word unique is how I felt growing up because of the dysfunction that was going on in my home.

Go ahead and say it…But every home has some dysfunction.

Yes, conceptually, now I know this. But emotionally, I had no clue.

I met very few people who were open about the dysfunction in their own homes, so I assumed that the only one who had these issues was me. Magical thinking. As a child, how else was I supposed to make sense of the world I lived in? So I dissociated into a fantasy world using television, soap operas, and other things to define what “normal” was.

I know, I know, you wanna say it…but most children do this. 

However, I would like to think that at some point, “most” children let this go. This understanding of “normal” stuck with me, probably until I entered recovery.

So this month, I decided I will explore the topic of “normalcy” or being “normal.” Dr. Woititz says that the adult child of an alcoholic must come to terms with the fact that,

“Normal is a myth, like Santa Claus and The Brady Bunch.”

I want to feel “unique” in a good way, without minimizing my own “unique” experience. Normal…not normal. How exactly do I get there??

**Don’t forget to follow Words of CCK on Facebook! I will see you there!